The Blah Days of learning you want to have a pity party

So, blah...that's how I feel today. BLAH. I've been sitting around, watching semi-poser inteligent TV pretending to work on accounting for our small business (I was a little productive) thinking about making cookies and trying to menu plan my new diet from my new personal trainer.

Derek said yesterday I must be feeling sorry for myself. Yup. Pretty acurate. I don't have any idea why. Things have been overwhelming lately. I'm homesick. Wish I didn't have to work for a living (spoiled, I know). My friend died of cancer. My sister is cancer free - thank the Lord God Almighty! I'm playing catch up at work. AND the weather is terrible - yes it went from summer to winter overnight. Yuck! I'm a little depressed because of all of it. I've had a stomach flu thing this week. Ugh. Mostly my life is terrific with many blessings, but the "wonder" this week has me "wondering" how I got off track.

Two weeks ago I forgave every single person who ever hurt me in my life. I have never felt so clean and new in my entire life. This week it is time to make ammends. I'm a little daunted I think. Scared really. So, I ran back to my old pal "food" for some "false safety" and well it's not working because it isn't something that has the power to make my life wonderful.

So, here is to being honest, learning to walk in the truth and the light, taking a good hard look inside, and loving who God made me to be. I think I'll pass on making the cookies and take a nap and get ready to go out and see my FS gals tonight.

Thanks for checking in.

Warmly,
Cicilia

Pictures from the Sea

For those of you who don't know we just returned from an awesome vacation in the Carribean. Please find some pictures of the little ones in my life and the fun we had at the sea.

When the "a ha!" moment that crashes down on you...

So I had an aha moment today when the barstool at the kitchen table I was sitting on broke and I crashed to the hard cement floor. Ouch!

The epiphany went something like this: “I’m too heavy.” Simple as that. It is become life altering and physically painful (I have a giant bruise on my hip and I have to go to the chiropractor because my low back hurts and every time I move I hurt and it’s a good reminder that my behavior causes pain).

I have spent my lunch hour reaching out for support. I have this diet coach I'm supposed to get so I'm asking five women I know if they would consider being this for me.

I'll keep you posted on how this "a ha!" moment is changing my life and if it becomes one of my wonderful life secrets.

Thanks for listening.

Warmly,
Cicilia

I'm his exception...

Ok so I just got home from watching "He's just not that into you" with a bunch of wonderful girlfriends.

I cried. I can't believe me, a married woman cried while watching a dating movie. I admit it, I'm a hopeless romantic!

In the end each woman discovers she's "worth it" and each man discovers "he's worth it too".

When normally the rule is if he doesn't do x y or z then he's not that into you - you should normally be "the rule" not the "exception" except when...well - you are!

I'm his exception - Derek's and God's. The exception to the rule that says if you hurt me I'll run away or hurt you back. The rule that says objectifying me is the only way to have really hot s - e - x. The rule that says no one can love you like you deserve. Derek doesn't always love me like I deserve, but he tries and when he can't he points me to the Big Guy who can.

So I'm his exception...and yes it makes me so happy I could cry!

To all our wonderful lives!

Warmly,
C

It's been forever...let me tell you why

Ok, ok, I know it's been a million years (ok a month and 1/2) since I posted.

So sorry! The reason is because I've been having waaaaaaay too much fun using Skype with my family and friends. For those of you who havce not ever "skyped" (is that a new verb?)it is transforming my communication with my family and friends.

For instance. Derek had a show in Kananaskis 2 weekends ago. Using the internet and skype I was able to play a game of chinese checkers with my brother-in-law in South Carolina and my sister in Colorado while chatting with my sister in Nebraska.

Crazy eh? Last night my sister and I caught up and I was able to chat with my 3 year old niece who is too cute for words. It felt like I was right in their living room sharing a nice cup of tea while we chatted.

Thank GOD for technology. I'm closer to my familiy than ever.

So there is one of my wonderful life secrets - get skype! www.skype.com

Wonder Woman lays down her cape...

Alone. Quiet house, piano music plays out broken hearted songs on my laptop. Haunting and beautiful.

My husband was recenly sick with a 102 degree fever for 2 days. He had to load up the van, travel and perform 2 shows like that. It wrecked me. Powerless, empty, barren and useless to help him in his pain I didn't know what to do so I ran away - inside myself, I retreated really.

I feel a lot of people's emotions. The ones near me the ones close the ones I'm tuned into because I think I have value to them so I tune in and their pain breaks me. I'm under the false dellusion that if they value me I exsist, rather than owning my own exsistence anyway.

So this wonder woman takes a moment to lay down her cape. I've been lying here (lieing here) all day. Pretending to be physically devestated when really I am emotionally anialated but the world has no "sick day" for the emotionally broken ones. No term like agonizing empathy that gives the chills and sweats inside ones heart matches the phrase I have a 102 fever. The ache runs deep and use my own brand of tylenol to medicate it. It's not working and I can't sleep for more than a few minutes before I start tossing and turning again.

The stong kind - like Tylenol 3 except it's Dexter and such..still doesn't work not after hours and hours.

Like the flu this will pass. Society demands it. Work for a living. Get up go to work, come home go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. (x 365 to infiinity).

I should be grateful for society's rythm. It keeps me sane most days. Not today. Today my illness peaks through. Broken, aching from head to toe, I type and listen to haunting music learning to cry out to my creator and tell him how I feel. If there is one comfort it is knowing he understands. He gets it. He endured it all to the end for me, for you, for hope.

I'm told he is the great healer. I'll keep you posted on my progress in allowing his healing hand to really "touch" my life. I kind of keep everyone at a distance. It's somthing I'm working on.

For now, I need to decide if I need another 24 hrs to retreat inward or if I can ache in public again. Thanks for listening. Honesty scares most people but without it what are we? Shells of human beings who are pretending to exsist as something we are not instead of owning our own exsistence.

Learning to own it.

C

My Wonderful Husband

Many of you know my hubby - Derek. We have been married in imperfect wedded bliss for 15 1/2 years. Yet, he NEVER ceases to amaze me! Partly because he's a professional Illusionist and partly because he is an incredible human being.



Over the past few months he has created a theatrical show called "Three Things" for a company here in town celebrating their 30th anniversary. Well, last night he spent over 2 hrs in make up to become an old man so he could share that show with the audience it was especially created for.

It was an incredible experience. He comes out talking about how he doesn't let anyone call him old especially the 23 year old Nurse Hanchuck! So what has kept him young? He explains it is three things - the rhythm of all of life - having something to believe in - and the reality that good love, true love, is a balancing act. At each juncture he has an act come in and punctuate his point - the rhythm act was "C-Stylze" an amazing hip-hop group. The second was an Ariel artist who was dressed all in white using white ribbon to stay "afloat" like an angel in mid air. The third was the most incredible balancing hand to hand act who used emotion and passion to express the truths Derek talked about in the "old man" character.

Finally, the man's appointment arrives - it's his 5 year old nephew who wants to see some magic. (Eric Derek's real nephew plays the part). Together they make it snow to the best song ever and the audience tears up as Derek is handed a lighted candle and at the perfect time whispers to the company "Happy Birthday" and blows out the candle. The lights go out and the show is over.


I can't believe it is over. It was so incredibly beautiful, mysterious, and powerful!

So that's my new secret today - all these three things to keep you young - the rhythm of life, the thing you believe in, and love - good love - true love even though it's hard sometimes.

Warmly,
Cicilia

For more pictures of how my hubby really looks visit: www.derekselinger.com