The Blah Days of learning you want to have a pity party

So, blah...that's how I feel today. BLAH. I've been sitting around, watching semi-poser inteligent TV pretending to work on accounting for our small business (I was a little productive) thinking about making cookies and trying to menu plan my new diet from my new personal trainer.

Derek said yesterday I must be feeling sorry for myself. Yup. Pretty acurate. I don't have any idea why. Things have been overwhelming lately. I'm homesick. Wish I didn't have to work for a living (spoiled, I know). My friend died of cancer. My sister is cancer free - thank the Lord God Almighty! I'm playing catch up at work. AND the weather is terrible - yes it went from summer to winter overnight. Yuck! I'm a little depressed because of all of it. I've had a stomach flu thing this week. Ugh. Mostly my life is terrific with many blessings, but the "wonder" this week has me "wondering" how I got off track.

Two weeks ago I forgave every single person who ever hurt me in my life. I have never felt so clean and new in my entire life. This week it is time to make ammends. I'm a little daunted I think. Scared really. So, I ran back to my old pal "food" for some "false safety" and well it's not working because it isn't something that has the power to make my life wonderful.

So, here is to being honest, learning to walk in the truth and the light, taking a good hard look inside, and loving who God made me to be. I think I'll pass on making the cookies and take a nap and get ready to go out and see my FS gals tonight.

Thanks for checking in.

Warmly,
Cicilia

Wonder Woman lays down her cape...

Alone. Quiet house, piano music plays out broken hearted songs on my laptop. Haunting and beautiful.

My husband was recenly sick with a 102 degree fever for 2 days. He had to load up the van, travel and perform 2 shows like that. It wrecked me. Powerless, empty, barren and useless to help him in his pain I didn't know what to do so I ran away - inside myself, I retreated really.

I feel a lot of people's emotions. The ones near me the ones close the ones I'm tuned into because I think I have value to them so I tune in and their pain breaks me. I'm under the false dellusion that if they value me I exsist, rather than owning my own exsistence anyway.

So this wonder woman takes a moment to lay down her cape. I've been lying here (lieing here) all day. Pretending to be physically devestated when really I am emotionally anialated but the world has no "sick day" for the emotionally broken ones. No term like agonizing empathy that gives the chills and sweats inside ones heart matches the phrase I have a 102 fever. The ache runs deep and use my own brand of tylenol to medicate it. It's not working and I can't sleep for more than a few minutes before I start tossing and turning again.

The stong kind - like Tylenol 3 except it's Dexter and such..still doesn't work not after hours and hours.

Like the flu this will pass. Society demands it. Work for a living. Get up go to work, come home go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. (x 365 to infiinity).

I should be grateful for society's rythm. It keeps me sane most days. Not today. Today my illness peaks through. Broken, aching from head to toe, I type and listen to haunting music learning to cry out to my creator and tell him how I feel. If there is one comfort it is knowing he understands. He gets it. He endured it all to the end for me, for you, for hope.

I'm told he is the great healer. I'll keep you posted on my progress in allowing his healing hand to really "touch" my life. I kind of keep everyone at a distance. It's somthing I'm working on.

For now, I need to decide if I need another 24 hrs to retreat inward or if I can ache in public again. Thanks for listening. Honesty scares most people but without it what are we? Shells of human beings who are pretending to exsist as something we are not instead of owning our own exsistence.

Learning to own it.

C