Wonder Woman lays down her cape...

Alone. Quiet house, piano music plays out broken hearted songs on my laptop. Haunting and beautiful.

My husband was recenly sick with a 102 degree fever for 2 days. He had to load up the van, travel and perform 2 shows like that. It wrecked me. Powerless, empty, barren and useless to help him in his pain I didn't know what to do so I ran away - inside myself, I retreated really.

I feel a lot of people's emotions. The ones near me the ones close the ones I'm tuned into because I think I have value to them so I tune in and their pain breaks me. I'm under the false dellusion that if they value me I exsist, rather than owning my own exsistence anyway.

So this wonder woman takes a moment to lay down her cape. I've been lying here (lieing here) all day. Pretending to be physically devestated when really I am emotionally anialated but the world has no "sick day" for the emotionally broken ones. No term like agonizing empathy that gives the chills and sweats inside ones heart matches the phrase I have a 102 fever. The ache runs deep and use my own brand of tylenol to medicate it. It's not working and I can't sleep for more than a few minutes before I start tossing and turning again.

The stong kind - like Tylenol 3 except it's Dexter and such..still doesn't work not after hours and hours.

Like the flu this will pass. Society demands it. Work for a living. Get up go to work, come home go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. (x 365 to infiinity).

I should be grateful for society's rythm. It keeps me sane most days. Not today. Today my illness peaks through. Broken, aching from head to toe, I type and listen to haunting music learning to cry out to my creator and tell him how I feel. If there is one comfort it is knowing he understands. He gets it. He endured it all to the end for me, for you, for hope.

I'm told he is the great healer. I'll keep you posted on my progress in allowing his healing hand to really "touch" my life. I kind of keep everyone at a distance. It's somthing I'm working on.

For now, I need to decide if I need another 24 hrs to retreat inward or if I can ache in public again. Thanks for listening. Honesty scares most people but without it what are we? Shells of human beings who are pretending to exsist as something we are not instead of owning our own exsistence.

Learning to own it.

C

My Wonderful Husband

Many of you know my hubby - Derek. We have been married in imperfect wedded bliss for 15 1/2 years. Yet, he NEVER ceases to amaze me! Partly because he's a professional Illusionist and partly because he is an incredible human being.



Over the past few months he has created a theatrical show called "Three Things" for a company here in town celebrating their 30th anniversary. Well, last night he spent over 2 hrs in make up to become an old man so he could share that show with the audience it was especially created for.

It was an incredible experience. He comes out talking about how he doesn't let anyone call him old especially the 23 year old Nurse Hanchuck! So what has kept him young? He explains it is three things - the rhythm of all of life - having something to believe in - and the reality that good love, true love, is a balancing act. At each juncture he has an act come in and punctuate his point - the rhythm act was "C-Stylze" an amazing hip-hop group. The second was an Ariel artist who was dressed all in white using white ribbon to stay "afloat" like an angel in mid air. The third was the most incredible balancing hand to hand act who used emotion and passion to express the truths Derek talked about in the "old man" character.

Finally, the man's appointment arrives - it's his 5 year old nephew who wants to see some magic. (Eric Derek's real nephew plays the part). Together they make it snow to the best song ever and the audience tears up as Derek is handed a lighted candle and at the perfect time whispers to the company "Happy Birthday" and blows out the candle. The lights go out and the show is over.


I can't believe it is over. It was so incredibly beautiful, mysterious, and powerful!

So that's my new secret today - all these three things to keep you young - the rhythm of life, the thing you believe in, and love - good love - true love even though it's hard sometimes.

Warmly,
Cicilia

For more pictures of how my hubby really looks visit: www.derekselinger.com

Amazing...really truly amazing

Who knew that there could really be a new kind of wonderful as it relates to food as a coping strategy?!

Today was one of the hardest days of my life and here I am feeling triumphant and jubuliant!

It began with a painful lightning strike to my core pain last night in the form of rejection from a key person in my life. Immediately I was in pain, old thoughts started running around in my head. I agreed to let Jesus be the "Lord" over my pain. I chose to go to bed and slept through the night.

I got up and went to work with bitter angry thoughts rolling around in my head. I was near tears the entire morning. I learned from my boss I had overlooked something signifigant on a project we were working on and I treated a co-worker poorly. Great! Is this day ever going to improve?

Immediately I felt faced with the choice to between breaking down at work (could cost me my career I felt) OR eating to cope and just get through the painful day.

If I ate the hershey's kisses or went and bought things I would be breaking my word to myself and I would loose my integrity.

I emailed my support group of gals and asked them to pray for me. I received email upon email and phone call after phone at just the right times, just as I was headed for the candy jar someone else would connect with me.

Soon it was 5:00pm and the hardest part of the day was over! This evening I was able to help a fellow girlfriend in need and be a support for her.

If this is living then give me MORE! It hurt, but it was powerful and very worth it.

Self esteem grows as our confidence grows. Today was a major confidence booster! I could not have done it with out all the support and love and compassion and words of wisdom from my friends and I would never have reached out to depend on them if my ablity to depend and believe in God for help and strength was not growing. Dependance...hmmm..another topic for another time.

Thank you all! I can't wait to write more about my journey and how God is moving mountains in my life! The only way through the pain is...well...through the pain.

Feeling blessed in my new wonder-filled life.

Warmly,
Cicilia

I just had to share this!

I just have to post and share this! Those of you who have been following me know that I am working on discovering a new kind of wonderful when it comes to food right?

Well, let me share with you the support of all the wonderful women in my life whom I told yesterday I was going to spend the next 3 months getting fit!

Good for you! Good luck!

Good for you - I swear my bootcamp is really great – I am sure there is one in your area – they go at 6am or 6pm from 2-5 days a week – your choice.

Good for you…I did BFL and it was surprisingly easy to follow and is not like a cleanse where you are totally restricted. The work outs are relatively easy and you can do most of them at home.
It takes 21 days to break a habit…after that you are golden!!

I am so proud of you!!!
As Holiday season is probably the toughest …. When you get through this one … you know you can get through anything!!
My friend Adriano tells me he is doing “Body for Life”
You can count on me to help keep you on track … I need to follow your lead when it comes to exercise.
I stopped for various reasons and keep saying I’ll go back … and I know I will … it’s a matter of what is holding me back….
Kudos to you!!

Way to go! Good for you. I’ve just been on the site and it looks very interesting….Have you just started or have you been on the program for a while? If you get any more energy than you already have, my god, there will be no keeping up to you

I will be praying for you as you work on this commitment - I know how hard this stuff is to stick to.

Best of luck to you on this!
----
They say to tell the world - so world I am going to get fit in the next 12 weeks. I'm doign body for life (www.bodyforlife.com) and I want to fit into my ski pants (my major goal) by Feb. 28th. Yipeeee!

Thanks for listening!

C