Wonder Woman lays down her cape...

Alone. Quiet house, piano music plays out broken hearted songs on my laptop. Haunting and beautiful.

My husband was recenly sick with a 102 degree fever for 2 days. He had to load up the van, travel and perform 2 shows like that. It wrecked me. Powerless, empty, barren and useless to help him in his pain I didn't know what to do so I ran away - inside myself, I retreated really.

I feel a lot of people's emotions. The ones near me the ones close the ones I'm tuned into because I think I have value to them so I tune in and their pain breaks me. I'm under the false dellusion that if they value me I exsist, rather than owning my own exsistence anyway.

So this wonder woman takes a moment to lay down her cape. I've been lying here (lieing here) all day. Pretending to be physically devestated when really I am emotionally anialated but the world has no "sick day" for the emotionally broken ones. No term like agonizing empathy that gives the chills and sweats inside ones heart matches the phrase I have a 102 fever. The ache runs deep and use my own brand of tylenol to medicate it. It's not working and I can't sleep for more than a few minutes before I start tossing and turning again.

The stong kind - like Tylenol 3 except it's Dexter and such..still doesn't work not after hours and hours.

Like the flu this will pass. Society demands it. Work for a living. Get up go to work, come home go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. (x 365 to infiinity).

I should be grateful for society's rythm. It keeps me sane most days. Not today. Today my illness peaks through. Broken, aching from head to toe, I type and listen to haunting music learning to cry out to my creator and tell him how I feel. If there is one comfort it is knowing he understands. He gets it. He endured it all to the end for me, for you, for hope.

I'm told he is the great healer. I'll keep you posted on my progress in allowing his healing hand to really "touch" my life. I kind of keep everyone at a distance. It's somthing I'm working on.

For now, I need to decide if I need another 24 hrs to retreat inward or if I can ache in public again. Thanks for listening. Honesty scares most people but without it what are we? Shells of human beings who are pretending to exsist as something we are not instead of owning our own exsistence.

Learning to own it.

C

My Wonderful Husband

Many of you know my hubby - Derek. We have been married in imperfect wedded bliss for 15 1/2 years. Yet, he NEVER ceases to amaze me! Partly because he's a professional Illusionist and partly because he is an incredible human being.



Over the past few months he has created a theatrical show called "Three Things" for a company here in town celebrating their 30th anniversary. Well, last night he spent over 2 hrs in make up to become an old man so he could share that show with the audience it was especially created for.

It was an incredible experience. He comes out talking about how he doesn't let anyone call him old especially the 23 year old Nurse Hanchuck! So what has kept him young? He explains it is three things - the rhythm of all of life - having something to believe in - and the reality that good love, true love, is a balancing act. At each juncture he has an act come in and punctuate his point - the rhythm act was "C-Stylze" an amazing hip-hop group. The second was an Ariel artist who was dressed all in white using white ribbon to stay "afloat" like an angel in mid air. The third was the most incredible balancing hand to hand act who used emotion and passion to express the truths Derek talked about in the "old man" character.

Finally, the man's appointment arrives - it's his 5 year old nephew who wants to see some magic. (Eric Derek's real nephew plays the part). Together they make it snow to the best song ever and the audience tears up as Derek is handed a lighted candle and at the perfect time whispers to the company "Happy Birthday" and blows out the candle. The lights go out and the show is over.


I can't believe it is over. It was so incredibly beautiful, mysterious, and powerful!

So that's my new secret today - all these three things to keep you young - the rhythm of life, the thing you believe in, and love - good love - true love even though it's hard sometimes.

Warmly,
Cicilia

For more pictures of how my hubby really looks visit: www.derekselinger.com

Amazing...really truly amazing

Who knew that there could really be a new kind of wonderful as it relates to food as a coping strategy?!

Today was one of the hardest days of my life and here I am feeling triumphant and jubuliant!

It began with a painful lightning strike to my core pain last night in the form of rejection from a key person in my life. Immediately I was in pain, old thoughts started running around in my head. I agreed to let Jesus be the "Lord" over my pain. I chose to go to bed and slept through the night.

I got up and went to work with bitter angry thoughts rolling around in my head. I was near tears the entire morning. I learned from my boss I had overlooked something signifigant on a project we were working on and I treated a co-worker poorly. Great! Is this day ever going to improve?

Immediately I felt faced with the choice to between breaking down at work (could cost me my career I felt) OR eating to cope and just get through the painful day.

If I ate the hershey's kisses or went and bought things I would be breaking my word to myself and I would loose my integrity.

I emailed my support group of gals and asked them to pray for me. I received email upon email and phone call after phone at just the right times, just as I was headed for the candy jar someone else would connect with me.

Soon it was 5:00pm and the hardest part of the day was over! This evening I was able to help a fellow girlfriend in need and be a support for her.

If this is living then give me MORE! It hurt, but it was powerful and very worth it.

Self esteem grows as our confidence grows. Today was a major confidence booster! I could not have done it with out all the support and love and compassion and words of wisdom from my friends and I would never have reached out to depend on them if my ablity to depend and believe in God for help and strength was not growing. Dependance...hmmm..another topic for another time.

Thank you all! I can't wait to write more about my journey and how God is moving mountains in my life! The only way through the pain is...well...through the pain.

Feeling blessed in my new wonder-filled life.

Warmly,
Cicilia

I just had to share this!

I just have to post and share this! Those of you who have been following me know that I am working on discovering a new kind of wonderful when it comes to food right?

Well, let me share with you the support of all the wonderful women in my life whom I told yesterday I was going to spend the next 3 months getting fit!

Good for you! Good luck!

Good for you - I swear my bootcamp is really great – I am sure there is one in your area – they go at 6am or 6pm from 2-5 days a week – your choice.

Good for you…I did BFL and it was surprisingly easy to follow and is not like a cleanse where you are totally restricted. The work outs are relatively easy and you can do most of them at home.
It takes 21 days to break a habit…after that you are golden!!

I am so proud of you!!!
As Holiday season is probably the toughest …. When you get through this one … you know you can get through anything!!
My friend Adriano tells me he is doing “Body for Life”
You can count on me to help keep you on track … I need to follow your lead when it comes to exercise.
I stopped for various reasons and keep saying I’ll go back … and I know I will … it’s a matter of what is holding me back….
Kudos to you!!

Way to go! Good for you. I’ve just been on the site and it looks very interesting….Have you just started or have you been on the program for a while? If you get any more energy than you already have, my god, there will be no keeping up to you

I will be praying for you as you work on this commitment - I know how hard this stuff is to stick to.

Best of luck to you on this!
----
They say to tell the world - so world I am going to get fit in the next 12 weeks. I'm doign body for life (www.bodyforlife.com) and I want to fit into my ski pants (my major goal) by Feb. 28th. Yipeeee!

Thanks for listening!

C

A new kind of wonderful - quote fest

Hi everyone,

Believe it or not I truly am learning a new kind of wonderful as I change my thinking around food. I am on day 3 if you can believe it of loving myself from the inside out with good nutrition and healthy excercise.

Here are some quotes that are helping me along the way.

1) Are you willing to change how you think about this issue?

There are no limitations to the mind except those we acknowledge. -- Napolean Hill

2) Where is God when I am hurting?

O Son of God to right my lot,
Naught but thy Presence can avail
Yet on the road thy wheels are not,
Nor on the sea thy sail!

My "how" or "when" thou wilt not heed,
But come down thine own secret stair,
That thou may'st answer all my need,
Yea, every bygone prayer.
- From "That Holy Thing" by George MacDonald

I love this poem because it says God cares and is present to our every need but not like we think. His answers do not come to use in response to our "why God?" "when God?" almost imature questions of a huge and loving God. His answers come his own way, but still he desires to meet all of our needs!

3) I am learning the fundamental question of all of life and sprituality...If God is love what is my answer to the question "Do you want to be loved?"

My soul screams yes, and so it becomes easier to treat myself with love, this thought has been a chief thought in changing my mind about food, myself, and personal integrity.

Thanks for listening in!

Wishing you a wonder-filled day!

Warmly,
Cicilia

Whew! Am I glad to be moving foward

I have to say after re-reading my last post I am glad to be moving forward in the pain management department of my life.

It's weird to choose to feel and to realize that the pain is not as bad as I first feared. To accept love both self love and self acceptance and also importantly "other" love - God's love, my family's love, my huband's love.

So after the Dark Night of the Soul (we all have them) what can I say is a wonderful life secret?

Here I go again, but I adore the children in my life. Right now I am in Regina, SK watching little Charlie (a friend of our's 2 year little boy) sleep soundly on the couch with his soother falling out of his mouth. Earlier tonight he was blowing the waitress kisses and she was wrapped around his little finger in seconds!

D and I probably won't have kids but we do love and adore the children in our lives. They are precious, precious gifts of hope, laughter, joy, and yes their antics even annoy us!

When I hurt, I am learning to look into the face of a child and see with wonder and awe the hope there, the potential there, the growth possible there. It's like magic.

Until next time may you learn much from your pain and find hope when you need it.

Warmest Regards,
Cicilia

The Dark Night of the Soul

I do not know how to describe the pain I am in.

BACKSTAGE

Pain is my mother
Pain is my father.

Pain is my origin,
but not my creator.

Brutal honesty bludgeons me. I bleed.

Dripping self righteousness,
selfishness, self centeredness.

I am petty. I am mean. I am a mess.

Perfect truth shines searing search lights on a
Deeply wounded soul.

If I say I am perfect I am kidding - the joker - fooling you, fooling me.

You fool!

All masked and rewarded I am instead "little miss perfect".

Prostitute of perfection to ward off rejection

Invisibly useful. I am profoundly absent as you are minded.



You don't see the limping wretch
beneath the tattered rags wreaking
of her wanton pursuit of your pleasure.

The baby in the blood bath wrapped in white linen...noticed; loved.
(Ezekiel 16:4-14)

You are never going to believe this

WOW! WOW! Did I say WOW!?

So, you know I'm learning about a new kind of wonderful in my life especially as it relates to food. I have not had much success this week as I was nearly ready to chew my arm off when I didn't bring my wallet into work (so I wouldn't spend money on food). Then, yesterday happened.

My hubby is an entertainer and an incredible one at that. He has been wanting to do a project that will benefit a charity in a really special way. He's working with a company's head office here in town to get the ball rolling and to his chagrin NOTHING is hapening. So we are both going - "Hey God where are you in this? This is for charity, this is to do your work and give back! A little help would be greatly appreciated!"

Now, I hit my most rock bottom when I cannot help the ones I love who are in pain. Here I am listening to my husbands frustrations getting all anxious inside. THEN I drive out of the garage with no one watching and a wallet. (Temptation trap for me). I also had a dream about McDonalds I had woken up from just that morning.

My mind was set, my heart was set, I was going to get McDonalds and have as much as I wanted no matter how bad the car stunk. I could see myself eating it, tastinging it, driving up to the drive through for it. (For those of you who do not have food issues the mental fantasy is the kiss of death, it is a done deal at that point).

But something very strange and wonderful happened. I did my freecycle pick up and then my grocery shopping and suddenly as strong as if I had heard a voice in my head saying it I heard "This is important for Derek". In that moment the craving vanished, disappeared, "poof!" went away and I sensed God was using me to be a strong example for my husband. I wasn't doing it. I can never resist once my mind goes there, but just as he has promised again and again he moved the mountain! To add to my joy I was used to help ease the pain of a loved one. Not by my own genius (believe me when it comes to food there is NO genius just slave), but by his grace.

Wow - now that IS a new kind of wonderful!

Learning a new kind of wonderful

Ok, so I am slowly being convinced that there may be a chance at a new kind of wonderful life if I am willing to give up some of strategies I've used for coping over the past 34 years. REALLY!? I'm still a little skeptical, but willing to give it a go.

I get tired at work in the afternoon. So my question and the experiment I am working on right now is "Can I get through the day with out eating when I'm not hungry?"

It's funny, I eat when I'm bored at work or at home, I eat when I need to get "through" something I don't like, I "treat" myself when I feel like I need a pick me up, and the most pertinent reason I eat to this experiment is I eat when I need a "break" or a "rest" (when really I'd rather take a nap).

So, here goes....I'll keep you posted on the many benefits I receive from choosing to jump off this rather scary cliff. My parricute comes from the Bible: Matthew 11:28 - 30:
28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

That's a big promise both spiritually and physically worth leaping for I think.

I am open to support in any way you can give it - so please post away!

To a new kind of wonderful life!
Warmly,
Cicilia

PS: I just read this quote and it touched my heart and gave me instant encouragement:
Why I Blog: Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls. -- Melody Beattie

How to Succeed at Life

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I learned this great lesson just yesterday when I finally had peace with a situation that happened in my life when I was finally able to admit what my part was in the painful situation. I too had made a mistake and instead of staying in denial by blaming the other person and making them the "monster" I was able to achieve peace by accepting personal responsiblity for my actions.

What a breakthrough it was for me! No longer did I feel trapped. So admit the error on your part and rise up again to become the person you were destined to be.

Thank God there is such a thing as forgiveness and acceptance.

Warmly,
Cicilia

I am selfish AND loveable...What?

So, this weekend I have been discovering something new about myself. I am going through the terrible twos. "No!" I am telling the world. I want my way, I want it now, and you had BETTER give it to me. (Yes, I'm a bit embarrassed to tell the world this truth, but frankly that is what it is...the truth).

So today I read a spiritual reading which said "I am an open book. Even at a distance You know what I am thinking..." it went on to say that no matter what I do a greater force than me in the universe knows exactly what is going on, what I am doing and why AND LOVES me!

I can't help but think of my nieces Mandy and Mikayla who are in their toddler years. Learning, growing, touching, fascinated by everything in life. They are very darling and very self absorbed. For once, it is wonderful to me to know that someone great than myself looks at me the way I look at them. I adore them, I delight in their "antics" and I want very much for them to be safe and become strong healthy capable women. I know them and their selfishness and I love them. Wow! As the author of the writing said "This is too much, too wonderful for me, I can't take it in."

Warmly,
Cicilia

PS: I'm told this is just a phase (for all 3 of us) :-) Can't wait to see what I get to experience next! I'll keep you posted

What do you do with constant pain?

I recently had a crown prepared and a false tooth cemented on top. (Last Wednesday). Ever since that day I have been in excruciating pain constantly. I didn't know what to do to manage it.

Normally when you slam a finger in the door, stub a toe, pull a muscle the pain subsides in time to a dull ache or throb. I had never experienced life with pain this constant.

It was interesting to watch me tell colleagues at work "I'm fine!" with a big smile on my face when I was exhausted inside. To watch me try and cope with being too tired to work and to come home and spend the evening resting and sleeping if I could fall asleep with the pain.

My dentist removed the false tooth yesterday (after chiding me for not seeking his help sooner) and re-cemented it after changing the chemical they use to cement the tooth. Problem solved. I am no longer in any pain and my world feels more open and free and like the sky is blue again.

If I were to do it all over again, or rather the next time constant pain comes into my life I am now pondering how I might re-act differently, more authentically. Any suggestions?

Warmly,
C

Is it good or is it bad?

In Chinese the word "crisis" contains two symbols, danger & opportunity... How do you choose to deal with "crisis"? -- Jim Maclaren

The view from the 44th floor is gorgeous...until there is a fire drill!

Sooo, yesterday we had fire drill. I am lucky enough to work for a company who wants to provide nothing but the best but their employees. That means putting us at the top...literally - of our building.

So, when I discovered that we would have to walk down 44 flights of stairs to comply with the fire drill requirements I groaned (who wouldn't right?). Well now I'm doing a lot more groaning; for instance, every time I try to sit down. The deeper the chair the louder the groan!

Don't laugh, but the worst is using the rest room. Who knew we used so many muscles every time we have to pee. I'm in so much pain I won't even go upstairs right now to put on a pair of sweats so I can relax for the rest of my Friday night.

What is the moral of this story? Good question. I've been thinking about it and when it comes to quality of life sometimes it is less painful to be prepared to be "at the top" so to speak. For instance, if I had been exercising my legs more regularly I would not be in the pain I am in right now. The biking and walking and lunges would have prepared my legs for yesterday's fire drill adventure.

Similarly, I find when I am "in the practice" of being intentional about looking after my finances, my home, my friendships: all the glorious things that make me feel "at the top" of life then it doesn't hurt so bad when life happens to bring along its "fire drills of disappointments." The process of walking down the stairs (or being disappointed) remains the same but the after effects don't tend to linger and cripple me.

Hmmmm... something for me to think more about.

Well for those of you whose legs aren't in pain, enjoy walking painlessly today!

Warmly,
Cicilia

PS: My hubby is now sporting 3 stitches on the bridge of his nose and looks "tough". His audience had a good chuckle with him and his agent for the show was so impressed that Derek still did the show! Impressing that agent has been very difficult. So I ask a favorite question: "Is it good or is it bad?" I'll let you be the judge of that. :-) - C

Can a broken nose be good for an entertainer...

Ok, so I get a call tonight at 10:05pm. It's my husband. He's just been at the airport visiting with his Mom, Grandma and Sister (he's an amazing guy I know). In a rush to get his wallet he walked headlong into a revolving door and yup you guessed it...bloody and broken nose.

He was calling from the emergency room where he will spend the next couple of hours while he waits for the doctors final verdict and hopefully some advice for how to bring down the swelling. Why is that so important you might be wondering. My husband is an entertainer. He had a show tonight and will have another one tomorrow morning at 11:00am.

In keeping with the theme of my blog - the reason this is part of my wonderful life is this little secret. You can always find something to be grateful for. Truth be told, I'm so happy that his Mom and Sister are sitting with him in emergency and that I was woken up to write about it. I am learning to grow into the knowledge and wisdom that sometimes there is nothing I can do to make it better. In the past I would have wanted to fix this, but in reality there is not much I can do. In the past I would have blamed myself for somehow not being there, but the joy of this situation reminds me that I am not all powerful, I could not have caused or prevented this. Finally, I can let go and let someone bigger than me take care of the man I love. That my friends is peace.

Watch for pictures (I hope to snap a couple tomorrow!)

May you find peace in your own growth and enjoy your wonderful life. - Warmly, Cicilia

My 1st Post Ever

Hi world! I cannot belive I actually get a chance to write what I think and share it with the world.

I am visiting my family in Colorado right now and as you can tell the name of this blog is "My Wonderful Life Secrets." What secrets can I share with you today about living a wonderful life?

Great quesiton. I recommend spending time with the ones you love. Play together, laugh together, talk to one another about nothing or the things that really matter. All - in - all fill your life with love and treasure those "magic moments" that come along.

That said, I'm going to go outside and play with my 2.5 year old niece and soak up the sun with her and my sister and my Kathy mom (I'll tell you that story some other time).

Warmly,
C

PS - here are the results - a good time had by all!