It is bound to be once every 7 months

Well, I just noticed that my last blog said "I haven't blogged since June" now it has been since November. I am not the best blogger if you can't tell.

Life has been good, busy and full of ups and downs. In fact I'm so tired I have to go find a place to nestle down into my husband's arm/chest to relax and rest.

Hope you have someone you love that can hold you today!

Warmly,
Cicilia

I haven't blogged since June - Yikes!

Well it is almost Christmas (Nov 5th today) and I realized today that it has been nearly six months since I wrote down the nuggets of wisdom I am learning in life.

At home with an arm injury I sit here thinking through what I want to say about life, love, and finding that sense of Peace we look for during the holidays.

What can I say, right now my peace comes from being tied to God and his purpose and design for my life. Does it make my life easy? Heck no. But I am beginning to learn how it makes my life have a greater sense of meaning and joy

So that is my encouragement to anyone who reads this. Find the joy in tying your shoelaces to Jesus' shoe laces and discover what that can bring in your life.

Warmly,
Cicilia

A new facet of life's aches and pains

I continue to learn so much - thank you to all of you who share the journey with me. Over this past week I've been searching for Freedom. Hope. And a deeper understanding of who exactly is this God person in my life?! Judge. Guilt giver. Lover of my soul (what is that actually supposed to mean?) Or wellspring of hope and complete acceptance.

I am learning that as God should be, he is complex and beautiful and terrible. I should hope so! If I could understand him then my faith would be in someone no better than myself and I would be serving a mere human thinking they were capable of being an all-powerful being who could save me from pain, fear, regret, and give me what I long for. At least he's bigger than that. In that, there is much hope!

So live's aches and pains this week came in attempting to clean up my eating - yet again and succeeding and failing - yet again. I know it's like being on the same old merrie-go-round but my hope is that one day I'll get off and walk in a new way of life forever.

Derek and I are spending intimate moments together with each other (this is not going to get x-rated don't worry!) and God each morning. It's become a beautiful practice and one that I wish each and every one of you can have with a loved one or a spouse!

This week as I was trying to learn to give up my desire to have what I want when I want it Derek read these words: "What we failed to understand was that a life incapable of significant sacrifice is a life incapable of courageous action." - Urban T. Holmes III

Goodness knows I want to have a life of meaning and fulfillment and to express the courageous action that lies within me to give the world. I just didn't know that sacrifice could be a part of that puzzle piece.


So here's to understanding more about sacrifice - purposefully chosen - and intentional - as a new facet of life's aches and pains that bring us to a greater understanding of who we are meant to be so we can become.

Thanks for listening.

Warmest Regards,
Cicilia

Pictures from the past...

I've been going through old photos of our life and found many great wonderful moments. I tried to learn how to use the picture thingy but I'm not so good at it. Just click the image if you want to see the whole thing. Sorry I couldn't figure out how to get the duplicate off! Anyway, enjoy! - Warmly, Cicilia

The Blah Days of learning you want to have a pity party

So, blah...that's how I feel today. BLAH. I've been sitting around, watching semi-poser inteligent TV pretending to work on accounting for our small business (I was a little productive) thinking about making cookies and trying to menu plan my new diet from my new personal trainer.

Derek said yesterday I must be feeling sorry for myself. Yup. Pretty acurate. I don't have any idea why. Things have been overwhelming lately. I'm homesick. Wish I didn't have to work for a living (spoiled, I know). My friend died of cancer. My sister is cancer free - thank the Lord God Almighty! I'm playing catch up at work. AND the weather is terrible - yes it went from summer to winter overnight. Yuck! I'm a little depressed because of all of it. I've had a stomach flu thing this week. Ugh. Mostly my life is terrific with many blessings, but the "wonder" this week has me "wondering" how I got off track.

Two weeks ago I forgave every single person who ever hurt me in my life. I have never felt so clean and new in my entire life. This week it is time to make ammends. I'm a little daunted I think. Scared really. So, I ran back to my old pal "food" for some "false safety" and well it's not working because it isn't something that has the power to make my life wonderful.

So, here is to being honest, learning to walk in the truth and the light, taking a good hard look inside, and loving who God made me to be. I think I'll pass on making the cookies and take a nap and get ready to go out and see my FS gals tonight.

Thanks for checking in.

Warmly,
Cicilia

Pictures from the Sea

For those of you who don't know we just returned from an awesome vacation in the Carribean. Please find some pictures of the little ones in my life and the fun we had at the sea.

When the "a ha!" moment that crashes down on you...

So I had an aha moment today when the barstool at the kitchen table I was sitting on broke and I crashed to the hard cement floor. Ouch!

The epiphany went something like this: “I’m too heavy.” Simple as that. It is become life altering and physically painful (I have a giant bruise on my hip and I have to go to the chiropractor because my low back hurts and every time I move I hurt and it’s a good reminder that my behavior causes pain).

I have spent my lunch hour reaching out for support. I have this diet coach I'm supposed to get so I'm asking five women I know if they would consider being this for me.

I'll keep you posted on how this "a ha!" moment is changing my life and if it becomes one of my wonderful life secrets.

Thanks for listening.

Warmly,
Cicilia

I'm his exception...

Ok so I just got home from watching "He's just not that into you" with a bunch of wonderful girlfriends.

I cried. I can't believe me, a married woman cried while watching a dating movie. I admit it, I'm a hopeless romantic!

In the end each woman discovers she's "worth it" and each man discovers "he's worth it too".

When normally the rule is if he doesn't do x y or z then he's not that into you - you should normally be "the rule" not the "exception" except when...well - you are!

I'm his exception - Derek's and God's. The exception to the rule that says if you hurt me I'll run away or hurt you back. The rule that says objectifying me is the only way to have really hot s - e - x. The rule that says no one can love you like you deserve. Derek doesn't always love me like I deserve, but he tries and when he can't he points me to the Big Guy who can.

So I'm his exception...and yes it makes me so happy I could cry!

To all our wonderful lives!

Warmly,
C

It's been forever...let me tell you why

Ok, ok, I know it's been a million years (ok a month and 1/2) since I posted.

So sorry! The reason is because I've been having waaaaaaay too much fun using Skype with my family and friends. For those of you who havce not ever "skyped" (is that a new verb?)it is transforming my communication with my family and friends.

For instance. Derek had a show in Kananaskis 2 weekends ago. Using the internet and skype I was able to play a game of chinese checkers with my brother-in-law in South Carolina and my sister in Colorado while chatting with my sister in Nebraska.

Crazy eh? Last night my sister and I caught up and I was able to chat with my 3 year old niece who is too cute for words. It felt like I was right in their living room sharing a nice cup of tea while we chatted.

Thank GOD for technology. I'm closer to my familiy than ever.

So there is one of my wonderful life secrets - get skype! www.skype.com

Wonder Woman lays down her cape...

Alone. Quiet house, piano music plays out broken hearted songs on my laptop. Haunting and beautiful.

My husband was recenly sick with a 102 degree fever for 2 days. He had to load up the van, travel and perform 2 shows like that. It wrecked me. Powerless, empty, barren and useless to help him in his pain I didn't know what to do so I ran away - inside myself, I retreated really.

I feel a lot of people's emotions. The ones near me the ones close the ones I'm tuned into because I think I have value to them so I tune in and their pain breaks me. I'm under the false dellusion that if they value me I exsist, rather than owning my own exsistence anyway.

So this wonder woman takes a moment to lay down her cape. I've been lying here (lieing here) all day. Pretending to be physically devestated when really I am emotionally anialated but the world has no "sick day" for the emotionally broken ones. No term like agonizing empathy that gives the chills and sweats inside ones heart matches the phrase I have a 102 fever. The ache runs deep and use my own brand of tylenol to medicate it. It's not working and I can't sleep for more than a few minutes before I start tossing and turning again.

The stong kind - like Tylenol 3 except it's Dexter and such..still doesn't work not after hours and hours.

Like the flu this will pass. Society demands it. Work for a living. Get up go to work, come home go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. (x 365 to infiinity).

I should be grateful for society's rythm. It keeps me sane most days. Not today. Today my illness peaks through. Broken, aching from head to toe, I type and listen to haunting music learning to cry out to my creator and tell him how I feel. If there is one comfort it is knowing he understands. He gets it. He endured it all to the end for me, for you, for hope.

I'm told he is the great healer. I'll keep you posted on my progress in allowing his healing hand to really "touch" my life. I kind of keep everyone at a distance. It's somthing I'm working on.

For now, I need to decide if I need another 24 hrs to retreat inward or if I can ache in public again. Thanks for listening. Honesty scares most people but without it what are we? Shells of human beings who are pretending to exsist as something we are not instead of owning our own exsistence.

Learning to own it.

C

My Wonderful Husband

Many of you know my hubby - Derek. We have been married in imperfect wedded bliss for 15 1/2 years. Yet, he NEVER ceases to amaze me! Partly because he's a professional Illusionist and partly because he is an incredible human being.



Over the past few months he has created a theatrical show called "Three Things" for a company here in town celebrating their 30th anniversary. Well, last night he spent over 2 hrs in make up to become an old man so he could share that show with the audience it was especially created for.

It was an incredible experience. He comes out talking about how he doesn't let anyone call him old especially the 23 year old Nurse Hanchuck! So what has kept him young? He explains it is three things - the rhythm of all of life - having something to believe in - and the reality that good love, true love, is a balancing act. At each juncture he has an act come in and punctuate his point - the rhythm act was "C-Stylze" an amazing hip-hop group. The second was an Ariel artist who was dressed all in white using white ribbon to stay "afloat" like an angel in mid air. The third was the most incredible balancing hand to hand act who used emotion and passion to express the truths Derek talked about in the "old man" character.

Finally, the man's appointment arrives - it's his 5 year old nephew who wants to see some magic. (Eric Derek's real nephew plays the part). Together they make it snow to the best song ever and the audience tears up as Derek is handed a lighted candle and at the perfect time whispers to the company "Happy Birthday" and blows out the candle. The lights go out and the show is over.


I can't believe it is over. It was so incredibly beautiful, mysterious, and powerful!

So that's my new secret today - all these three things to keep you young - the rhythm of life, the thing you believe in, and love - good love - true love even though it's hard sometimes.

Warmly,
Cicilia

For more pictures of how my hubby really looks visit: www.derekselinger.com

Amazing...really truly amazing

Who knew that there could really be a new kind of wonderful as it relates to food as a coping strategy?!

Today was one of the hardest days of my life and here I am feeling triumphant and jubuliant!

It began with a painful lightning strike to my core pain last night in the form of rejection from a key person in my life. Immediately I was in pain, old thoughts started running around in my head. I agreed to let Jesus be the "Lord" over my pain. I chose to go to bed and slept through the night.

I got up and went to work with bitter angry thoughts rolling around in my head. I was near tears the entire morning. I learned from my boss I had overlooked something signifigant on a project we were working on and I treated a co-worker poorly. Great! Is this day ever going to improve?

Immediately I felt faced with the choice to between breaking down at work (could cost me my career I felt) OR eating to cope and just get through the painful day.

If I ate the hershey's kisses or went and bought things I would be breaking my word to myself and I would loose my integrity.

I emailed my support group of gals and asked them to pray for me. I received email upon email and phone call after phone at just the right times, just as I was headed for the candy jar someone else would connect with me.

Soon it was 5:00pm and the hardest part of the day was over! This evening I was able to help a fellow girlfriend in need and be a support for her.

If this is living then give me MORE! It hurt, but it was powerful and very worth it.

Self esteem grows as our confidence grows. Today was a major confidence booster! I could not have done it with out all the support and love and compassion and words of wisdom from my friends and I would never have reached out to depend on them if my ablity to depend and believe in God for help and strength was not growing. Dependance...hmmm..another topic for another time.

Thank you all! I can't wait to write more about my journey and how God is moving mountains in my life! The only way through the pain is...well...through the pain.

Feeling blessed in my new wonder-filled life.

Warmly,
Cicilia

I just had to share this!

I just have to post and share this! Those of you who have been following me know that I am working on discovering a new kind of wonderful when it comes to food right?

Well, let me share with you the support of all the wonderful women in my life whom I told yesterday I was going to spend the next 3 months getting fit!

Good for you! Good luck!

Good for you - I swear my bootcamp is really great – I am sure there is one in your area – they go at 6am or 6pm from 2-5 days a week – your choice.

Good for you…I did BFL and it was surprisingly easy to follow and is not like a cleanse where you are totally restricted. The work outs are relatively easy and you can do most of them at home.
It takes 21 days to break a habit…after that you are golden!!

I am so proud of you!!!
As Holiday season is probably the toughest …. When you get through this one … you know you can get through anything!!
My friend Adriano tells me he is doing “Body for Life”
You can count on me to help keep you on track … I need to follow your lead when it comes to exercise.
I stopped for various reasons and keep saying I’ll go back … and I know I will … it’s a matter of what is holding me back….
Kudos to you!!

Way to go! Good for you. I’ve just been on the site and it looks very interesting….Have you just started or have you been on the program for a while? If you get any more energy than you already have, my god, there will be no keeping up to you

I will be praying for you as you work on this commitment - I know how hard this stuff is to stick to.

Best of luck to you on this!
----
They say to tell the world - so world I am going to get fit in the next 12 weeks. I'm doign body for life (www.bodyforlife.com) and I want to fit into my ski pants (my major goal) by Feb. 28th. Yipeeee!

Thanks for listening!

C

A new kind of wonderful - quote fest

Hi everyone,

Believe it or not I truly am learning a new kind of wonderful as I change my thinking around food. I am on day 3 if you can believe it of loving myself from the inside out with good nutrition and healthy excercise.

Here are some quotes that are helping me along the way.

1) Are you willing to change how you think about this issue?

There are no limitations to the mind except those we acknowledge. -- Napolean Hill

2) Where is God when I am hurting?

O Son of God to right my lot,
Naught but thy Presence can avail
Yet on the road thy wheels are not,
Nor on the sea thy sail!

My "how" or "when" thou wilt not heed,
But come down thine own secret stair,
That thou may'st answer all my need,
Yea, every bygone prayer.
- From "That Holy Thing" by George MacDonald

I love this poem because it says God cares and is present to our every need but not like we think. His answers do not come to use in response to our "why God?" "when God?" almost imature questions of a huge and loving God. His answers come his own way, but still he desires to meet all of our needs!

3) I am learning the fundamental question of all of life and sprituality...If God is love what is my answer to the question "Do you want to be loved?"

My soul screams yes, and so it becomes easier to treat myself with love, this thought has been a chief thought in changing my mind about food, myself, and personal integrity.

Thanks for listening in!

Wishing you a wonder-filled day!

Warmly,
Cicilia

Whew! Am I glad to be moving foward

I have to say after re-reading my last post I am glad to be moving forward in the pain management department of my life.

It's weird to choose to feel and to realize that the pain is not as bad as I first feared. To accept love both self love and self acceptance and also importantly "other" love - God's love, my family's love, my huband's love.

So after the Dark Night of the Soul (we all have them) what can I say is a wonderful life secret?

Here I go again, but I adore the children in my life. Right now I am in Regina, SK watching little Charlie (a friend of our's 2 year little boy) sleep soundly on the couch with his soother falling out of his mouth. Earlier tonight he was blowing the waitress kisses and she was wrapped around his little finger in seconds!

D and I probably won't have kids but we do love and adore the children in our lives. They are precious, precious gifts of hope, laughter, joy, and yes their antics even annoy us!

When I hurt, I am learning to look into the face of a child and see with wonder and awe the hope there, the potential there, the growth possible there. It's like magic.

Until next time may you learn much from your pain and find hope when you need it.

Warmest Regards,
Cicilia

The Dark Night of the Soul

I do not know how to describe the pain I am in.

BACKSTAGE

Pain is my mother
Pain is my father.

Pain is my origin,
but not my creator.

Brutal honesty bludgeons me. I bleed.

Dripping self righteousness,
selfishness, self centeredness.

I am petty. I am mean. I am a mess.

Perfect truth shines searing search lights on a
Deeply wounded soul.

If I say I am perfect I am kidding - the joker - fooling you, fooling me.

You fool!

All masked and rewarded I am instead "little miss perfect".

Prostitute of perfection to ward off rejection

Invisibly useful. I am profoundly absent as you are minded.



You don't see the limping wretch
beneath the tattered rags wreaking
of her wanton pursuit of your pleasure.

The baby in the blood bath wrapped in white linen...noticed; loved.
(Ezekiel 16:4-14)

You are never going to believe this

WOW! WOW! Did I say WOW!?

So, you know I'm learning about a new kind of wonderful in my life especially as it relates to food. I have not had much success this week as I was nearly ready to chew my arm off when I didn't bring my wallet into work (so I wouldn't spend money on food). Then, yesterday happened.

My hubby is an entertainer and an incredible one at that. He has been wanting to do a project that will benefit a charity in a really special way. He's working with a company's head office here in town to get the ball rolling and to his chagrin NOTHING is hapening. So we are both going - "Hey God where are you in this? This is for charity, this is to do your work and give back! A little help would be greatly appreciated!"

Now, I hit my most rock bottom when I cannot help the ones I love who are in pain. Here I am listening to my husbands frustrations getting all anxious inside. THEN I drive out of the garage with no one watching and a wallet. (Temptation trap for me). I also had a dream about McDonalds I had woken up from just that morning.

My mind was set, my heart was set, I was going to get McDonalds and have as much as I wanted no matter how bad the car stunk. I could see myself eating it, tastinging it, driving up to the drive through for it. (For those of you who do not have food issues the mental fantasy is the kiss of death, it is a done deal at that point).

But something very strange and wonderful happened. I did my freecycle pick up and then my grocery shopping and suddenly as strong as if I had heard a voice in my head saying it I heard "This is important for Derek". In that moment the craving vanished, disappeared, "poof!" went away and I sensed God was using me to be a strong example for my husband. I wasn't doing it. I can never resist once my mind goes there, but just as he has promised again and again he moved the mountain! To add to my joy I was used to help ease the pain of a loved one. Not by my own genius (believe me when it comes to food there is NO genius just slave), but by his grace.

Wow - now that IS a new kind of wonderful!

Learning a new kind of wonderful

Ok, so I am slowly being convinced that there may be a chance at a new kind of wonderful life if I am willing to give up some of strategies I've used for coping over the past 34 years. REALLY!? I'm still a little skeptical, but willing to give it a go.

I get tired at work in the afternoon. So my question and the experiment I am working on right now is "Can I get through the day with out eating when I'm not hungry?"

It's funny, I eat when I'm bored at work or at home, I eat when I need to get "through" something I don't like, I "treat" myself when I feel like I need a pick me up, and the most pertinent reason I eat to this experiment is I eat when I need a "break" or a "rest" (when really I'd rather take a nap).

So, here goes....I'll keep you posted on the many benefits I receive from choosing to jump off this rather scary cliff. My parricute comes from the Bible: Matthew 11:28 - 30:
28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

That's a big promise both spiritually and physically worth leaping for I think.

I am open to support in any way you can give it - so please post away!

To a new kind of wonderful life!
Warmly,
Cicilia

PS: I just read this quote and it touched my heart and gave me instant encouragement:
Why I Blog: Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls. -- Melody Beattie

How to Succeed at Life

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I learned this great lesson just yesterday when I finally had peace with a situation that happened in my life when I was finally able to admit what my part was in the painful situation. I too had made a mistake and instead of staying in denial by blaming the other person and making them the "monster" I was able to achieve peace by accepting personal responsiblity for my actions.

What a breakthrough it was for me! No longer did I feel trapped. So admit the error on your part and rise up again to become the person you were destined to be.

Thank God there is such a thing as forgiveness and acceptance.

Warmly,
Cicilia

I am selfish AND loveable...What?

So, this weekend I have been discovering something new about myself. I am going through the terrible twos. "No!" I am telling the world. I want my way, I want it now, and you had BETTER give it to me. (Yes, I'm a bit embarrassed to tell the world this truth, but frankly that is what it is...the truth).

So today I read a spiritual reading which said "I am an open book. Even at a distance You know what I am thinking..." it went on to say that no matter what I do a greater force than me in the universe knows exactly what is going on, what I am doing and why AND LOVES me!

I can't help but think of my nieces Mandy and Mikayla who are in their toddler years. Learning, growing, touching, fascinated by everything in life. They are very darling and very self absorbed. For once, it is wonderful to me to know that someone great than myself looks at me the way I look at them. I adore them, I delight in their "antics" and I want very much for them to be safe and become strong healthy capable women. I know them and their selfishness and I love them. Wow! As the author of the writing said "This is too much, too wonderful for me, I can't take it in."

Warmly,
Cicilia

PS: I'm told this is just a phase (for all 3 of us) :-) Can't wait to see what I get to experience next! I'll keep you posted